Jaslyn Go’s Blog

As we approach the last tranche of our TBT trial, there are alot of emotions build up for myself and my fellow co-defendants.

It was not easy to come this far, let alone still carrying on in this long and draining trial.

Tranche after tranche our numbers are dwindling due to way our cases are being dealt with.  For eg, Francis was forced to plead guilty as he will be away on 19th Jan 10 and judge insisted the hearing to start on 18 Jan 10.  Sylvester having to plead guilty due to work commitment.

As for myself, my boy, Joe-En has started his Primary One this year, a phase that is important to him as well as for me as a mother.  I have made application to Judge Chia Wee Kiat with the understanding and support from my 10 remaining co-defendants to have the lunch break from 1130 to 1330 so that I could rush home to bring my boy to school.  Thankfully the judge allowed my application without objection from the DPP.

As I struggle everyday to send my girl to school before coming to court and 1130 rushing back home to walk my boy to school which was about 3 bus stops away, then back to court to continue the trial and end of the day rushing to pick both of them up from school at 1700.

During those bus rides be it back home or back to court, many times I was in tears, not only because I feel the aching pain of my legs and feet from the long walk to the bus stop and the walk from my home to my boy school, but also of this predicament  I am in and asking myself whether is it worth doing what I am doing?

This is especially made worse by not having the support from those closest to you.  Despite my desperation for help, I am too proud to ask for one and knowing full well that I will have to go through another round of lecturing  of “I told you so”, “you should have taken my advice and PG much earlier and you won’t end up in this state” blah blah blah.

Not someone who asked or expects favors to be reciprocate, I do appreciate the offer of help from the very same people I used to offer similar help to but am disappointed to realize that the offer of help was  just patronizing with no intention to carry out at all.

I gave thanks to my buddy U-Wen, who was the first to offer to send Joe-En to school for me though he is staying so far away from me.

I gave thanks to my sister – Siok Chin, who, as and when she can, will always try to drop me off at my kids school and always buying lunch for me to munch in court as I always couldn’t make it in time to have lunch.

I gave thanks to Choon Hiong too, whom after knowing my predicament, try to work out a way to help me too.

I gave thanks to John, who became my ‘new’ breakfast buddy after Ti Lik and Sylvester left our TBT trial.

While I gave thanks to my friends who stood by me, though I declined their help as I do not want to impose myself on to others.   I also mourn for a lost of a friendship whom I used to cherish dearly only to find out that in time of need, offer of help was insincere and not meant to be.  I don’t expect favors to be return nor reciprocate, but I am disappointed by how our friendship has come to this point, having to see how one can turn their back on a friend in need.

I see the past 4 days of our trial, how Dr Chee and Gandhi were cuffed and shackled to court, Mrs Gandhi coming to court just to catch a glimpse of Gandhi to make sure he is all right.  and the heart wrenching moments when Mrs Chee and kids came to court to see Dr Chee, I do feel a sense of loneliness of not having the blessing from my family and close friends for my chosen path.

Today as I sat down in court after having most of my cross-examination objected and rejected, I reminded myself that I should not be wallowing in self pity but find ways to face the adversity with my head up.

As I try to strike a balance between my responsibility as a mother and a activist who believe in the work I am doing, I also know that I should not inconvenient others because of my chosen path.

If there is anything I still have, that is perseverance.  Perseverance to continue on this fight even when face with obstacles and desertion from closed ones  who do not share the same ideals as me.

The trial will be coming to an end soon, and as I close this chapter, I know there will be another awaiting to be open.  The experience I learn from this chapter will make me a stronger person to face whatever new challenges that awaits me.

WHAT FAILS TO KILL ME WILL ONLY MAKE ME STRONGER!